Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
