Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
