Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
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