We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
