I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
You pole danced in your parka.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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