My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
