Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
