the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Randomize
