Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I wish they made helmets for livers.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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