hotel room ftw
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
