That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
NoShamevember. You game?
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
