Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
