Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
