She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
There's always time for handjobs
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
