just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Randomize
