We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
