If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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