when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Did you just see the Batmobile???
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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