I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
