Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
