You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
