I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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