Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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