once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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