He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
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