she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
