apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
