I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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