omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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