Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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