Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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