I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
