Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
