It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
