i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Randomize
