I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
