I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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