It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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