I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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