I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
