why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
