I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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