I feel like I'm in dance class right now
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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