Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
