Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
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