I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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