If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
