we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
