Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
