in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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