I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
