A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
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