first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
