This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
